Saturday, November 27, 2010

Untitled

With a rainbow drawn across the sky,
A sign of promise,
A picture of perfection;
Who would have thought dark clouds roam underneath it all?
Everything under the sun gets shoved in the way,
A burden to carry,
Just because it can be.
But things get tired,
A bore and frustration.
The wall builds up,
Made out of bricks,
Seeming like a protection from the world.
But like a fickle-minded youth,
Nothing seems to work.
The layered bricks look so enticing,
Yet there are times when breaking them down seem like the only way.
One wall becomes two walls,
Two becomes three.
Before an escape route is found,
What were built have become a maze,
A trap formed within the self.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Inevitable

As much as I long for another week of break, it is good to be back in the hustle and bustle of college life; of assignments, deadlines, packed schedule, refraining oneself from strangling a team member and generally just trying to get through another semester with fellow warriors in the form of friends.

I miss life at home already. This is what break does to you: Allowing yourself to dwell in the comfort of your own home and to do things at your own lazy pace. By the time you let yourself get used to the (relative) freedom and the slow pace of life, semester break is over and you are thrown right into the (supposedly) disciplined life of a college student again.

I said it was good anyhow because I know discipline is what I need to keep me grounded and not let myself wonder into my wonderland. I'm a dreamer, I admit. Putting me at home for too long a time would only cultivate the fantasies and dreams in me.

Earth to Amanda. I'm back in college. And dreams have to be left aside for the moment.

The inevitable is here.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Squeezing out the truth

Do you know what circumstance forces the truth out of a woman?

When she runs out of space.

Like a hamster hoarding its daily supply of seeds and pellets to last it a lifetime, a woman keeps every article of clothing in her wardrobe. The big, the tight, the outdated and the small, she keeps them all for sentimental value and in the hope that one day, they will come back into style and she can fit into them. The tight jeans she has kept for three years, trying them on every few months but never quite getting into them because they are simply two inches too small, she puts them in the bottom of her wardrobe anyway. She doesn't like to admit that she's fatter than she would like herself to be. The sparkly minidress she never has had the courage to wear, she doesn't throw it away lest it might become a must-have fashion piece one day. The few tops that are too tight, she holds on to them hoping that one day, she might just lose some tummy fat and finally looks gorgeous in those tops.

With women's passion for shopping, it's a pretty safe bet to say almost every woman's wardrobe grows on a monthly basis. In a blink of an eye, the wardrobe becomes too small. Or to put it logically, the amount of clothes and accessories grows too large. The woman finds no other way to accommodate her precious properties but to throw away the absolutely useless. That's when she has to finally accept the truth that she is not committed enough to lose the excess two inches off her waist and that even when short sparkly dresses are in trend, she probably will never have the guts to put on one. Out with the misfits while the safe and comfortable wear stays.

Now that she has more space, the cycle continues.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Semester One. Done.

And there goes two-thirds of a year too.

Four months back, I wouldn't have thought it possible that so much can be learnt in such a short time. So much experiences, so many lessons, so many things that happened in and out of college. Turns out, my journalism class does not have a miserable count of 14 people. As the first few days and weeks wore on, few more came to join us, amounting to 24 year-one journalism students plus one or two occasional repeat students. I'm glad to have met the people I've come to know over the semester: the quiet, the annoying, the fun right down to the totally bizarre characters. College has been a bunch of fun.

Most of my lecturers I like, with a few exceptions like the racist, inconsiderate tutor of a certain subject that gave neither me nor my classmates any respect or much concern for our coursework. Oh, just him I don't like. Guess it's ONE exception then.

Aside from that one exception having interpersonal problems, lecturers and tutors have exposed me to priceless knowledge not just of the mass communication and journalism world, but of history, current events and the political scene of our country. Some have shared on their personal life with us, and a few proved to be beyond just an educator, but someone we can have fun with and talk casually to.

I think I did quite well for the semester. Tests and minor tasks were nothing I couldn't handle. Sure, I had some screw-ups in few assignments, but most came out good or at least satisfactory. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the finals I have sat for will turn out okay too.

In my first semester of my first time in college, I joined public speaking course as a co-curricular activity in order to obtain the two credit hours I would need to graduate with my diploma. I discovered speaking in public isn't as scary as many have made them to be. Speaking turned out to be a form of human communication I could do in front of a crowd without passing out. My advisor told me I had the potential of a good speaker, only problem is, I needed to slow down because I tended to go on like a bullet train when I became nervous.

I joined choir and Christian Fellowship too. Well, sort of. My excitement in choir didn't last for long because I found myself not able to click with my fellow members. I missed many practices due to collided time, which made me rethink my priorities in life, and I also soon came to my own conclusion that I can't sing for pennies. The decision was made to quit the choir team not long after. Admittedly, I didn't put in much effort in becoming a CF member either. Thanks only to Tricia, I am more involved, because she has been the one to push me and encourage me spiritually throughout the semester. Thank you, girl =)
My class, well, I can say there's definitely room for us all to grow in team spirit in the semesters to come. We are a quirky bunch, and I truly enjoy time with them. I've gotten to know most of them, and some have become my close friends, but next semester will hopefully be the time I break out of my shell and interact more with other classmates outside my comfort zone.

Being in college has exposed me to a whole new level of challenges, those of trying to keep myself sane when working as a group on an assignment, learning to accept differences in values and trying to understand personalities that are, to put it kindly, unique. Then again, these I had to cope back in secondary school, just less intense. I've had my fair share of outbursts. My outbursts toward others, theirs at me and others' toward others. A day in college without drama is like a lifetime without committing a crime: almost impossible. And that's what keeps college so interesting. I hope I don't come across as a drama-hungry mama.

These are some of the lovely people of my course/class. Yes, we a class make up the whole journalism course.

Since TAR College is pretty far from home, I have to stay in hostel for convenience's sake. But that change has been a good change, because with Yin Hui as my roommate and we being able to spend more time together, we have gotten to know each other more than we had last year, or the year before. I'm glad my roommate is someone I click with so well and already know for few years. So far, we haven't had any major disagreements on whether we can step into the room with shoes on or whether lights should be turned off at a certain time.

Thankfully, we complement and tolerate each other's peculiar behaviors well. One of us can act crazy anytime, and the other will readily join in the craziness. The nights of singing loudly (and sometimes terribly), talking non-stop about the most random stuff, watching couples in love outside our window and shooting each other with imaginary guns across the balconies to the bewilderment of our neighbors. These are the moments that are already building up memories I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life.

Not-so-sane Yin Hui.
Those feet are mine.
Our blank room in need of a major makeover.

Throughout the academic weeks, I spent more hours on campus and in my hostel room than at home, making me appreciate home so much more and look forward to weekends (okay, I've always do) when I can head back to the comfort of my own home. As the saying goes, 'there's no place like home'.

My eldest sister Pamela was lawfully wedded to her fiancé Jeremy on the 24th of July. While lawfully so, they are yet to be customarily married. Many changes and plans were made. Jeremy headed to Shanghai for a step up his career ladder. Sis quit her sky-high job as a cabin crew because she couldn't stand much longer being in Singapore alone. Besides, the wedding bells ring on Christmas day and there are plenty to be planned and preparations to be made.

So welcome home, sis. And farewell, Jeremy. Oh, but he is back for now because the couple has a wedding photo shoot coming up in few hours.

My family bought a new house too. In an area on the opposite side of the main road along residential park we currently live in.

God has been really good to me, blessing me with more than I could ever expect and guiding me through trying times. Amidst all these changes, I thank God most of all for keeping my family safe and sound. So many good things have happened in such a short time. Unfortunate events could have found their way to ruin my family's life too, but instead, God has kept them safe. This I hope I'll never take for granted.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Not just another day

Tomorrow will never come today
because
by the time tomorrow comes,
today will be no more.

My mind is muddled with so many different thoughts right now, I don't really know what I want to say here. There are times when I feel every day is passing by with increasing speed. Other times, tomorrow seems to never come. Again and again, I struggle with the battle of wanting to accomplish as much as I can in a narrow time frame of a 24-hour day and wanting to get over my first semester in college as fast as possible.

I'm always in a confused state of desiring both ends of a scale; wanting time to pass more slowly so that I can cherish every precious minute of it and at the same time impatient to live in the future. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm not. I can never be sure, because I might really be crazy. Or not.

See my point?

Time seems pointless when every day seems like an ordinary day. But any day can be extraordinary. And every day can be any day. So every day can be an extraordinary day, am I right? Then I guess I'm not going through the motion of just another ordinary day.

I think I'm just pulling you with me into my muddled world.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Just another day

Where is everyone?
Where is anyone?
Like a lone flower trying not to wilt in the hot arid desert,
I search,
but I find no source that will keep me alive.
The mere thought of suffering lonesomeness alone scares me,
like how a public toilet bowl scares a germaphobe.
The thought of comparing my situation to a public toilet bowl scares me more,
like a agoraphobe trembling with fear at the idea of being forced into skydiving.
Days like this make me want to stick my head in the dirt.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What's so unique about being a human when every other human on earth is unique?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Another Chapter

I've just spent my first week in college last week. College life. I think I can get used to that.

After so many months of contemplation on choosing the right college, looking at endless list of career choices and college options, fearing that one wrong decision would result in several years of regret, I've made my choice. The first four months of this year have seen me dabbing into the world of child care and education. During that period of becoming an assistant supervisor at a homeschooling center and an instructor at Kumon, I discovered my love of working with children. I dare say, I was pretty good with them too. At one point I even seriously considered ditching my long time goal of pursuing journalism in favor of an education degree.

Working with the children at the homeschooling center -- half of them being autistic -- had been challenging, but also so much fun and pleasure. I found myself waking up in the mornings without the feeling of dread that used to loom over me back when I was in high school. I genuinely enjoyed chatting with the kids, well, the ones that could carry decent conversations with me. Teaching them was fun and I looked forward to being entertained by their antics every day.

A few individuals made attempts at persuading me toward a teaching career, never failing to mention the many perks of becoming a teacher. The holidays and a stable lifestyle a teacher gets was tempting, but ultimately, I saw my life set for more adventures than being in a classroom for the rest of my career life. I have nothing against becoming an educator, alright. I guess my decision boils down to wanting a career that will take me places, globally. Maybe a teaching life would be too stable for me. So in the end, the little voice in my head told me to choose journalism.

Now, I'm pursuing a diploma in journalism at Tunku Abdul Rahman College in Setapak. I'll admit that TAR College wasn't exactly my first choice of college. C'mon, most people view this college as a last-resort-college. It is not as prestigious sounding as Taylor's. And it is half government owned. Everybody knows anything associated with the government is not so glamorous. I chose TARC anyway, plainly because my sister Jessica was already studying there plus the fact that I would be eligible for a partial merit scholarship. It didn't hurt that my best friend Yin Hui would soon be my roommate too.

I didn't go for my orientation last week expecting the worst, but I wasn't putting in much hope in TARC either. On hindsight, not expecting too much or too little of a new experience was a good thing. I discovered the campus and its facilities through my own eyes, and not through the perception of others. I realized I actually like the college. It is huge, with a nice, big library (a must for me), a modern cyber center that accommodates a large number of computers with internet access, canteens (thank God there are relatively cheap foods), a sports complex, a college hall, its own pool and many other buildings.

It is a college, but it is so big, I feel like I'm in a university. Being so generous with its area, going from point A to point B may involve lots of walking, which can become a source of complaints for students. But I like walking, so this suits me well. I still can't say much about the lecturer, since I will not be officially attending any lectures until later. But I think TARC has been underrated by the general public. Sure, it's not the best institution yet, but it's good enough. In fact, it may even be better than other colleges that have always been under the public's spotlight.

Oh, did I tell you that the first year journalism course consists of only 15 people? Initially, I thought it was a miserable number, what with courses like public relations and broadcasting having more than a hundred students each, but I realize now that this can work to my advantage. My inherent fear of speaking in front of a huge crowd have never really left me, so I guess working with this small group of people is perfect for me.

I'm typing these words as I sit in TARC hostel' canteen. In an hour's time, I'll be attending my first lecture. Introduction to Information Technology. Sounds boring, but I'll survive.


This isn't me. This is a girl by the name of Yin Hui.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Embarkation Point

After taking an unintentional three-month hiatus from blogging, my old blog has become as dead as a carcass waiting for a vulture to devour. I could have revived it if I wanted to, but I figure I can start a new one. Actually, I've been wanting to do that for quite some time now for my own personal reason. I want to reinvent myself. No, I'm not going for those drastic reinvention, so you don't have to worry about spotting me from now on wearing blood-red lipstick, two inches long fake lashes and puffy, lacey dresses.

I think what I meant was, I hope blogging on a fresh URL will help give me a new voice. You know, to write with a more open perspective of the world. I happen to think that some of my older posts are sort of corny too. Hopefully, I have matured a little for this embarkation. Nevertheless, I still don't think I really want to get rid of my old blog just yet. So it stays in the Internet world, albeit as an inert existence.

Here, I've said it. This is the start of something new (I know, I'm back to my corny days). But whatever.