I continue walking on the path, but I stop dead in my mental track, because there is everything so wrong with what I find myself thinking. It's a nice thought, to think the guy good for loving a girl for who she is as a person and looking past the exterior. But whatever qualifies me to think that the girl's appearance is any less desirable just because she is overweight?
I become horrified at myself for the thoughts that I carry in my mind. Like a massive reminder that slaps me hard in the face, I am made aware of how inherently judgmental I am toward others, even if I have enough self-control most of the time to keep that judgment to myself, to appear nonjudgmental in front of others.
But it's not only what we say out loud for the world to hear that is the problem. It is what we think inside us all the time that shows of our fallen nature that is hopelessly inclined towards judging and tearing others down. Many times, just like when I walk on that path, I have already thought of the thought about others before I can stop myself. Worse still, the thought doesn't even come across as judgmental or negative at first glance.
It's like our bodies are so bound by sin that even our subconscious mind cannot escape it. And to thank God that I have enough self-control to keep myself from blurting out half of the nasty thoughts that run through my head, I am then reminded of how shame has become such a natural part of us too, that we find a need to keep our thoughts hidden from others just because we are ashamed of the things that we think about.
To have to double-check the things my mind produce, to constantly have to tap myself on the shoulder and say, "hey, that thought about others is wrong, so scrap that thought" only goes on to prove that I know which mindset is wrong, yet it has to be after I have already thought about it before I can reprimand myself.
Moments like this remind me even more of how I need God's covering in my life, of how I am inherently bound by disparaging thoughts against myself and others because I am a sinner. But because I have Him, I'm not ashamed to say I'm flawed, and saved by Christ. I don't have to pretend to be little miss perfect with perfect little thoughts to convince myself I'll go to Heaven. I'm not saved by my good deeds, but by His shed blood. If we ever had to save ourselves by our own goodness, I don't think a single person will make it.
I need to love. And not by my own strength, but by His.