Tuesday, November 5, 2013

This compulsiveness of hers

She wishes she has one of those personalities that do not have to give a second thought before she sets her heart and full attention into making something transpire. It's a personality that may be interpreted as being impulsive, one that is easily swayed by and acts upon emotions, a personality that is dangerous. But she has been living compulsively for most of her life, obsessing over the tiniest details of things and allowing them to cause her great agitation, letting an isolated thought run amok in her head so that it can drive endless identical circles in her mind. To live compulsively, she's coming to know, is more dangerous than to live impulsively.

Impulsiveness may cause her regret over taking the wrong course of action, but compulsiveness has caused her greater regret, for chewing on the choices presented to her for far too long but never making a decision or taking an action. Impulsiveness is too careless, but compulsiveness has made her too careful. Impulsiveness makes too many wrong moves, but in the process, maybe a good helping of the right ones too. Compulsiveness, on the other hand, has her spending too much energy deliberating on the same calculated move. Impulsiveness is capable of driving others around her crazy. But compulsiveness, it has driven others and herself bonkers.

She should have been an impulsive person instead of one plagued by compulsiveness. Then again, it's not like she was ever presented a choice on a gold platter at birth. The danger of her compulsiveness, she notices with a tinge of regret, is that it has caused her to put more life into her thoughts than her actions. Her mind has churned out more to-do lists and resolutions than ten persons can begin doing in a lifetime. She has uprooted so many would-be projects because her mind had convinced her that one or two or three ingredients were lacking in the recipe of success. She has even gotten bored of a new craft before its time for a test run, because she has put so much thought into the preparation, any more thought on it after that was just nauseous.

She thinks compulsively, and resigns to a final thought that her reality will never catch up with her neurotic imagination.